BREAKING: I saw a sailboat yesterday Studies show that 99% of gamblers quit before they win big Femboys declared adorable by US government Scientists training bees to use chainsaws, "No we're not" says scientist Public nudity now legal everywhere, trust us EUGENE HAS ESCAPED, SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY Local nerd steals backgrounds from anarchist named Dann "Bacontodge" and "congration" added to dictionary Copy editor can't stop FUCKING swearing Man eats SNES Classic Edition and lives 9-year-old sues Craigslist for not including Craig of the Creek on their list of people named Craig Microsoft urges Doors users to revert to Doors 3.11 after Doors 95 tries to kill Onettian children Scientists still unsure why the chicken crossed the road Skibidi Toilet not funny, says professional genius Flynn-Fletcher brothers arrested for building on private property Local jerks have a jerk-off to see who's the biggest dick Bird and raccoon open portal to Hell, says gumball machine minnvee #1 on the list of gay people Local scientist invents new babies called outfants, "AAAGH WHY THE FUCK IS IT LIKE THAT!?" says other scientist

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